Current Mood: slightly discouraged
Current Music: Dashboard Confessionals
Erik got me an Easter basket today...it was filled with mini-cans of Mountain Dew, Rolos, a box of cherry tomatoes (yes, that's right...I love tomatoes), Salt and Vinegar Pringles, and two combs. I'm not the type to celebrate Easter, and I'm not big on sweets. So, Erik just thought of all things I like/need, and he filled a basket with it. Sweet, eh? Only...my damn cat decided to try eating the plastic green strings, you know, the stuff at the bottom of every Easter basket (fake grass, I guess?)...and a few hours laters woke us up when he puked it all back up. Stupid cat. At least I know now not to ever leave that stuff around...
Life has been frustrating lately. I'm ready for a job change (again). I still feeling like I'm drifting, lost at sea. I've always been bad at directions. Still don't know what to do with my life. Still wishing for marriage and kids. I'm reading a book called The Dance of Anger. I guess you'd call it a book about anger-managment. It's very helpful. I realized that I really needed to work on my reaction to anger. I have reverted back to much of my old self, like how I was at the tail end of my relationship with Rick. It's been driving Erik crazy...we've been so frustrated with each other. Our relationship hasn't been fun these last few months. And I have decided to change that, or try to. I'm re-remembering what I do have control over--which is not Erik, but myself and my own feelings, thoughts, and actions--and learning how to express myself verbally instead of being passive-aggressive. I've always had trouble conveying to other people what is wrong with me or what I'm unhappy about. I have learned a lot from my relationship with Rick...and this time I don't want to drive Erik away. I don't want our relationship to be hard, to always be a frustrating struggle. And I don't want to feel like I'm a horrible person.
With Rick, I recognize now that it was a never-ending cycle of me driving him away by being so hard to deal with, which made me feel less loved because of his distancing, which made me more irrational and hysterical. The more I tried to control him and get what I wanted, the more he pulled away. And inevitably, he got tired of it, lost patience, reached his limit...and broke up with me. I don't want the same to happen with Erik. He's been good for me and to me. I get scared and so anxious when he starts to lose his patience, when he says things like "it's not fun anymore, Angela". So I'm owning up to my faults and problems. And not just for the sake of the relationship, I really need this for me, my life. I feel good about trying to change myself for the better, but I wonder if self-help books will be enough, or if I'll need therapy again. I've always been an impatient person. I hope I don't get discouraged and give up on healing myself just because it may take a while. At least Erik and I aren't already tired, jaded, and bitter about each other. Things look hopeful.
Other new things in my life: I got a new car, 2006 Nissan Sentra. Runs fine...slightly louder than my old car though. I like the color...a dark silver, almost looks brown. Still getting used to a hand brake instead of a foot brake. Erik and I have an Xbox 360 and we're both addicted to the game Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. It's a great game...for the most part. There are some things I miss from the previous game, Morrowind. We try to not fight about who gets to play next. It's sorta cute.