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Jan. 7th, 2007 @ 12:43 am I think it's time...
Angsty
...for a computer upgrade. Lately, my comp's been acting weird. And it's frustrating.
Oct. 17th, 2006 @ 06:36 pm How to make me!
Smoking!
How to make a Cracked Muse
Ingredients:

1 part intelligence

1 part silliness

5 parts empathy
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add emotion to taste! Do not overindulge!
Oct. 10th, 2006 @ 09:20 pm
Angsty
Current Music: Linkin Park
So it's been awhile since I've written...

Lot's have happened...but I don't know if I can put it in words. Biggest change of all is that I have a new job. I am now a Blackjack Dealer, and loving it. And the money is so much better. I don't really like my current schedule--I can't sleep on this particular shift--but there's not much I can do about it right now. I'm hoping it'll work out on its own soon enough. I really can't complain about my job...it's way too easy and pays amazingly well. I know this sounds odd, but in a way this job helps keep me sane.

I started Physical Therapy for my back and I'm feeling very positive about it. I think this will really help me get some flexibility back. Yeah! I have a therapy ball--you know, those large bouncy balls that are popular these days. They really work! Oh, and Erik bought me an Inversion Table for my birthday. It's this contraption that hangs you upside down. It's a good way for me to stretch out my back and get pressure off my herniated disc.

Erik and I are tentatively together...it's hard to tell sometimes. We both know there's no future for us, since our main goals in life are completely opposite. Yet, he's the love of my life. I guess we keep just putting off the inevitable break-up. I know, I know...it's just going to make it worse. But I deserve something good damnit...and I just don't want to let go yet. It feels good being with him. And Iago really loves being around him.

And...I celebrated my 25th birthday a few weeks ago. I am now a quarter-century. Doesn't feel any different (of course). Though, I must say I have grown in these last few years. I don't think I'm all grown up yet, but I'm very close, I think. And even though life is known to fly by really quickly (and you only get one chance at it), I wish I was older and (hopefully) wiser. I want to be done with all this "finding your identity/niche in life". I want to be settled and waiting for old age and retirement to come upon me. ...I can't believe I just said that. Sometimes I weird myself out. But there is a certain peace that comes with getting older.

RANDOM THOUGHT: Babies are popping out everywhere these days. What's freaky is that it's people MY age that are having them.

I am reminiscing of the days when I used to role-play online...my character's name was Mel. She had good times with her small group of loyal friends. How she was always trying to get Jester to notice her in that special way. How Thane was always so busy fighting that they rarely had time to just "sit" and chat. She used to have a brother named Quinn. I wonder what happened to him. Times sure have changed...

I am aware now that ever since Afghanistan, I haven't been able to open myself up to most people. I am distant to even my loved ones. What's worse is that ever since Rick and I broke up, I have cut myself off from my past. This is the first year ever that I have forgotten my ex-best friend's birthday. I completely forgot...which is really hard to do since it's only a few weeks before mine. I guess you can say I've truly let it go...all my old friends, the things I used to do, my old lovers...but I haven't made new friends or memories to replace them. I just don't know how anymore. A quote that will always stick in my mind is one said by my commanding officer, a psychiatrist: "Humans, you can't trust them. They'll let you down." Food for thought.
Jun. 21st, 2006 @ 06:09 pm Finally, a pet bunny!!
Joy!

my pet!
Jun. 17th, 2006 @ 05:51 am Moved (Chris, don't hate me for this)
Sweet Kitty
I heard a song that moved me today. It brought a few tears while sparking some sort of hope in me. I don't know really...it was strange. The Adventure, by Angels and Airwaves. Yes, I know you're probably barfing right now, Chris...but it's strange how songs from the band members of Blink 182 always seem to hit home for me. Scary.

I miss having hope.

"I felt this thing
I can't replace
Where everyone was working for this goal..."

That part of the song reminds me of Afghanistan. I miss the Army; the purpose of it, the structure, the strictness of it...so much. It was the only place where I got the feeling of belonging. It was not fun, and it wasn't easy. But it felt right. People understood me. I don't get that now. Sometimes it's so frustrating.


It's been awhile since I last wrote. Life has mainly been a mixture of stress and work. I have been slowly building a support group for myself--which means I'm making friends. I'm getting better at it, though it's at a snail's pace. I realized something that is very obvious if you know me well: I will forgive my cat anything. Anytime I think of him or hear his name spoken, I will smile. He's my Angel. A fat, furry, sweet angel.
May. 20th, 2006 @ 06:00 pm
Love
So I threw a party for Erik on his birthday...and it was awesome. It lasted 12 hours, and I dealt Poker for nearly 8 hours straight. It killed my back, but the money made up for it. Erik passed out for 4 hours during the party...it was kinda cute. At least no one got violently ill at the party. No big mess to clean up. He really enjoyed it, and it felt so good to have done something right in my life. Something that is appreciated. And the expensive cake was worth it. Marble cake with Milk Chocolate Butter Cream Frosting. The special frosting itself cost over 17 dollars. Ha. I love to spoil the loves of my life. Oh, and I fell in love with Grey Goose all over again. Nothing beats a good Vodka Cran...except maybe that Georgia Peach drink at the Cheese Cake Factory. :)

But back to the daily grind. I feel more lost than ever. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, with myself. I see no future, and that's scary. There's no purpose other than to pay the bills. There's no direction. I'm annoyed. I'm unsure of how to proceed from this point in my life...other than just wait for the day to be over.

Erik and I had a good time last Tuesday and Wednesday. It was just us two spending time together all day. Good food, good times, and very good company. We fit so well together. It's such a killer that our life goals are so totally different. Ugh.
May. 12th, 2006 @ 10:05 pm Tick Tock
Angsty
Time's kinda flying by. Work is predictable, and getting on my nerves a bit. I'm ready for a change, but I don't know in what direction. I have a Poker Audition coming up. Still don't know if that's what I REALLY want to do right now. But I know the money's good. My finances are actually doing OK right now. I'm not out of debt yet, and that irks me, but I'm surprised at how well I'm handling it all. I haven't used a credit card in months. Even better, I haven't needed to use a credit card in months. I'm doing OK.

I am stressed out about my family though. My sister isn't doing so well. She keeps having seizures and the doctors don't know why. I feel so helpless...and that triggers my PTSD. I wish I could take all that pain away from her (and my mom). On top of all that, I still feel guilty for not helping my parents with their business. I hope they sell the place soon and move on with their lives.

There are days when I think back on all I've done in my life, and feel sad and useless. My past haunts me. So many coulda-shoulda-woulda's...I hate having regrets. The present isn't so bad, but I keep worrying so much about the future that I start thinking about the past and what I might have did wrong. The future scares me so much that sometimes I don't want to have one. My fear ruins everything.

I am able to express myself a little better with Erik these days. I believe I've seen less frustration from him, which makes it easier for me to open up. We've had a good few weeks. Yet, I'm on the verge of breaking up with him because I don't know where this relationship is going. Again, the fear of the future (or lack thereof) is messing with me. My body is telling me to hurry up and find a father. The longing for children, to be a mother, is extremely strong lately. And with Erik having already decided to never have kids...I'm asking myself why are we still together? Sometimes "because we love each other" isn't enough. Ugh. I feel confused, angry, upset, sad, and also happy. He makes me feel so content, so at home. And I'm angry at myself for both wanting to stay with him and for not leaving yet.

To end on a lighter note, I got to talk with Steve the other day. Him and his boys are fine, and may take a trip down to SD to see me. I can hardly wait. He did mention possible deployment in the near future...
Also, I called Seth and had a great conversation with him. I'm sad to hear he's having the same few issues I had after being home for a year or so. I so want to be the one to "heal" him...but I'm not his doctor nor his therapist. I have to remember that. I may go visit him in Vegas few days. We'll see if I can manage that into my busy schedule.

I am comforted when surrounded by my army buddies.
Apr. 20th, 2006 @ 09:29 pm My view on Oblivion
Smoking!
Okay, Drew...

First off, it's single player. You can't go Live in this game, unfortunately. I wonder if Bethesda will ever make this game a MMORPG. The graphics are AMAZING. Very real, very beautiful. The AI in the game is impressive. People (NPCs) actually move around and go places depending on what time it is. Like, most people will go home at night and go to bed (best time to break in their house to steal stuff, hehe), but during the day, they could be out doing yardwork, or tending a shop, or at a chapel, etc. Also, if you drop something on the floor, and you walk over it, you'll actually kick the item, and it will roll. And, if you drop an item while on a hill, it will roll downhill...until the surface flattens out. ...Just little details I love about this game...so real.

There are a few things I was dissapointed about, things they've changed from Morrowind. My biggest beef with the game so far is: THEY TOOK AWAY MARK AND RECALL SPELLS!!! Argh. I miss being able to teleport back "home" when I'm over-encumbered, and just dropping everything right there. Another bad change, you can't enchant or make your own spells unless you're in the Mage's Guild (and it takes many quests to actually get access to the "Enchanting/Spellmaking Shrine".) As a member of the Thieves' Guild, you can't kill anyone while doing a Thieves' Guild quest. It seems easier to get kicked out of your guilds/factions in this game than in Morrowind. You can't train with NPCs as much as you want, like in Morrowind. The max you can train is 5 times per level with someone who can teach you something. It seems kinda hard to find a trainer that can teach you something, in my opinion. Oh, and there's no Mudcrab Merchant that I know of so far...

So, overall, yes I am addicted to this game. It's bigger, better, and easier to nagivate than Morrowind. It is extremely realistic.

That's all I can think of to say right now. If you have any specific questions, let me know. :)
Apr. 16th, 2006 @ 08:47 pm Easter and my cat...and an update
Sweet Kitty
Current Mood: slightly discouraged
Current Music: Dashboard Confessionals
Erik got me an Easter basket today...it was filled with mini-cans of Mountain Dew, Rolos, a box of cherry tomatoes (yes, that's right...I love tomatoes), Salt and Vinegar Pringles, and two combs. I'm not the type to celebrate Easter, and I'm not big on sweets. So, Erik just thought of all things I like/need, and he filled a basket with it. Sweet, eh? Only...my damn cat decided to try eating the plastic green strings, you know, the stuff at the bottom of every Easter basket (fake grass, I guess?)...and a few hours laters woke us up when he puked it all back up. Stupid cat. At least I know now not to ever leave that stuff around...

Life has been frustrating lately. I'm ready for a job change (again). I still feeling like I'm drifting, lost at sea. I've always been bad at directions. Still don't know what to do with my life. Still wishing for marriage and kids. I'm reading a book called The Dance of Anger. I guess you'd call it a book about anger-managment. It's very helpful. I realized that I really needed to work on my reaction to anger. I have reverted back to much of my old self, like how I was at the tail end of my relationship with Rick. It's been driving Erik crazy...we've been so frustrated with each other. Our relationship hasn't been fun these last few months. And I have decided to change that, or try to. I'm re-remembering what I do have control over--which is not Erik, but myself and my own feelings, thoughts, and actions--and learning how to express myself verbally instead of being passive-aggressive. I've always had trouble conveying to other people what is wrong with me or what I'm unhappy about. I have learned a lot from my relationship with Rick...and this time I don't want to drive Erik away. I don't want our relationship to be hard, to always be a frustrating struggle. And I don't want to feel like I'm a horrible person.

With Rick, I recognize now that it was a never-ending cycle of me driving him away by being so hard to deal with, which made me feel less loved because of his distancing, which made me more irrational and hysterical. The more I tried to control him and get what I wanted, the more he pulled away. And inevitably, he got tired of it, lost patience, reached his limit...and broke up with me. I don't want the same to happen with Erik. He's been good for me and to me. I get scared and so anxious when he starts to lose his patience, when he says things like "it's not fun anymore, Angela". So I'm owning up to my faults and problems. And not just for the sake of the relationship, I really need this for me, my life. I feel good about trying to change myself for the better, but I wonder if self-help books will be enough, or if I'll need therapy again. I've always been an impatient person. I hope I don't get discouraged and give up on healing myself just because it may take a while. At least Erik and I aren't already tired, jaded, and bitter about each other. Things look hopeful.

Other new things in my life: I got a new car, 2006 Nissan Sentra. Runs fine...slightly louder than my old car though. I like the color...a dark silver, almost looks brown. Still getting used to a hand brake instead of a foot brake. Erik and I have an Xbox 360 and we're both addicted to the game Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. It's a great game...for the most part. There are some things I miss from the previous game, Morrowind. We try to not fight about who gets to play next. It's sorta cute.
Mar. 27th, 2006 @ 08:42 pm Frazzled
Angsty
I'm so upset. I'm looking for a new car, but so many are out of my price range. I wish I had more money to spend. And I wish I wasn't so in debt. Grr. So, my car was having problems again. And the mechanic said it'd cost another $1200 to fix...my dad decided to sell it THIS time. 'Course, if he would have sold it last time (instead of spending $2000 to fix it), it would have saved me a lot of money. My dad too. I'm frustrated. And annoyed. If it wasn't for USAA, I'd be so totally screwed. I love my Bank.