Received a call from Steven Abbott. He's coming home soon. I was so excited and relieved to know that. I will try my hardest to meet him at the airport with Carol and his family. I am amazed that there are people who really care, still alive on this earth. Steven is one of them. I can't begin to describe how big his heart is...how utterly devoted he is to the care and well-being of others. And the best thing about him? He can still take care of his own health and well-being without compromising his care for others. Amazing.
I wish I was strong enough to be like him. When I was younger, in high school, I used to aspire to be a caring, self-sacrificing person. Someone who really reached out and cared about people, individuals, and society as a whole. I wanted to help others. I wanted to make a difference, even if it was just to one person. I wanted to care.
But I didn't know how to set boundries. I still don't. I don't know how to remove myself from their pain. You could say I was/am overly empathetic. You could call me an Empath. But I think it was more that I was overwhelmed. Totally overwhelmed with a person's feelings. The more I listened, the more helpless I felt, the more overwhelmed I felt...I don't have the cool, calm, rational mind to deal with other people's problems; to find ways to deal with their pain. I just cared. And I nearly lost my mind doing it.
My time in Afghanistan was the last straw for me. All the hurt I felt from the soldiers I talked to, all the bloodiness I encountered--physical and mental--led me down such a spiraling path, where all I could feel was darkness and despair. I don't ever want to be in that place again. I don't want to ever lose my will to live, like before. I've had to change myself completely--inwardly--to survive that time. I'm sad that I have lost a big part of who I used to be, but I understand the necessity of it. I do miss being a "people-person", though. I miss being comfortable around a crowd, strangers or friends. I miss how I used to open myself up to others without hesitation and trepidation.
I miss a lot of things. But I'm grateful for all the things I do have today. In the end, all you can do is move in a way that you feel is good, do what you think is right, and hope a little luck comes your way.