?

Log in

Nov. 16th, 2007 @ 05:46 am I'm still alive, somewhat...
Ooohtah...
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Flogging Molly
World of Warcraft. That should explain my absence from LJ. A lot has happened since august, but not much has changed. And I don't mean that in a bad way. Quite the contrary.

Erik and I went to New York in September for my birthday. We both have never been so we thought it'd be interesting (to say the least) to go see it.
It
was
a
disaster

We argued the whole time there. I think because we are not party/clubbing/bar-hopping/city-life people, it kinda drained us. We were looking for a relaxing vacation and all we found was fast-paced New York. Try catching a ride on the subway at 8am. Don't get me wrong, there were beautiful parts to it. We saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway...and it was amazing!!! But all in all, it just wasn't what Erik and I were looking/hoping for. And I will NEVER spend my birthday on an airplane. It sucks.

The fires in San Diego last month burned Erik's parent's house down. They are living with us now and it's been fine. It's nice to have food in the fridge and have clean dishes. :D It's been an adjustment for all of us. Yet we're all doing good. They normally hang out downstairs in the living room while Erik and I are upstairs on the computer playing WoW. So we really don't have an issue with space. I just can't play WoW naked anymore. Heh.

I got a new schedule at work... 10pm to 8am. I get 3 days off! So far it's been tiring but I like it. Work has been sucking though. Not making much money either. And that = less motivation for me to go to work. Ugh. But just gotta deal with the grind.

Erik and I went to Vegas a week ago. I got to see Seth, and it was so much fun. He leads a very interesting life. I also got to meet a few of the WoW gamers who lived in Vegas. It was kinda cool. None of them turned out to be crazy kooks or anything. ...Would that mean Erik and I were the ones? Hah. Yeah, I've talked to some wacky people online. And since WoW has become my addiction, I haven't been able to type as properly as I used to. My hand positions on the keyboard has even changed! Argh! Yeah, my entry will probably be "I Have Carpal Tunnel..."

Anyways...I forgot my cousin's birthday a few days ago and I feel like shit. I don't know how I did though, I saved it to my phone...gah, stupid phone! And I haven't even thought about Christmas yet...much less who I'm giving gifts to and what. Shit, Thanksgiving is almost upon us! I think I'll just go hide in a cave this holiday. >.< And I have to get my wisdom teeth removed in December too. Oh joy.

I'm going to bed now before I think of other things to depress me. Woot, warm bed! With Erik and Iago!
Aug. 27th, 2007 @ 10:44 am He's coming home!
Angsty
Received a call from Steven Abbott. He's coming home soon. I was so excited and relieved to know that. I will try my hardest to meet him at the airport with Carol and his family. I am amazed that there are people who really care, still alive on this earth. Steven is one of them. I can't begin to describe how big his heart is...how utterly devoted he is to the care and well-being of others. And the best thing about him? He can still take care of his own health and well-being without compromising his care for others. Amazing.

I wish I was strong enough to be like him. When I was younger, in high school, I used to aspire to be a caring, self-sacrificing person. Someone who really reached out and cared about people, individuals, and society as a whole. I wanted to help others. I wanted to make a difference, even if it was just to one person. I wanted to care.

But I didn't know how to set boundries. I still don't. I don't know how to remove myself from their pain. You could say I was/am overly empathetic. You could call me an Empath. But I think it was more that I was overwhelmed. Totally overwhelmed with a person's feelings. The more I listened, the more helpless I felt, the more overwhelmed I felt...I don't have the cool, calm, rational mind to deal with other people's problems; to find ways to deal with their pain. I just cared. And I nearly lost my mind doing it.

My time in Afghanistan was the last straw for me. All the hurt I felt from the soldiers I talked to, all the bloodiness I encountered--physical and mental--led me down such a spiraling path, where all I could feel was darkness and despair. I don't ever want to be in that place again. I don't want to ever lose my will to live, like before. I've had to change myself completely--inwardly--to survive that time. I'm sad that I have lost a big part of who I used to be, but I understand the necessity of it. I do miss being a "people-person", though. I miss being comfortable around a crowd, strangers or friends. I miss how I used to open myself up to others without hesitation and trepidation.

I miss a lot of things. But I'm grateful for all the things I do have today. In the end, all you can do is move in a way that you feel is good, do what you think is right, and hope a little luck comes your way.
Jul. 30th, 2007 @ 04:54 pm
Sweet Kitty
Current Mood: tired
I'm frustrated at how long it takes to make an appointment with a doctor. I'm annoyed that my primary care physican doesn't do Pap Smears...so I have to make an appointment with someone I totally don't know to check me out. And I should have already taken a shower and been asleep in bed but it took so long trying to get answers (still no appointments) on why I couldn't get any appointments set. I am so tired. And very sad.

I have a few updates though, since it's been 12 weeks since my last post:

Erik and I had a wonderful time in Yosemite. It was gorgeous...breath-taking...and made me realize I am still grateful to be alive. The sheer power and greatness of the waterfalls (particularly Yosemite Falls) made me close my eyes...the beauty is almost too much to bear. I loved feeling the spray hit my face, soak my clothes inch by inch. I was in a place where no one could touch me...I felt completely safe.

My mother landed herself in the hospital...gave us all a scare. I had to be the strong one, the one in charge, making all the decisions, talking to the doctor...because my dad wouldn't/couldn't/didn't come see my mom in the hospital at all. I brought her in, stayed with her, and I took her home. At the time, I was really upset at my father. But it has faded. My mom is much better, and that's the important thing. I guess I didn't like being in charge. I didn't like having that power, that kind of stress. It made me realize that when my parents get older...I will be in that position again. I don't like facing my parent's mortality. It's too upsetting to really talk about.

Iago is 3/4 of a pound away from 15 pounds. I'm so proud of him. But he's been eating the hair off the floor lately, which makes him puke, which makes him hungrier, which makes him eat hair off the floor...and the cycle keeps going. It's like he's so frantic for food that he'll try to eat anything. He even tried cardboard!!! Silly kitty. I love him so much. And I'm so happy he's still here. I've got some good pics of him...I'll have to put them up on Myspace soon. He's sweet.

Got to see my sister-in-law and my niece (finally). She's almost 3 years old, and SUCH A CUTIE! I can hardly believe how smart she is too. I do wish to see them more often.

I'm going to see Linkin Park tomorrow. It's my first time seeing them live. I have high hopes/expectations of them. I think Erik and I will enjoy ourselves immensely.

I'm going to New York City in September. Never been, so I'm really excited about that.

...And that's about it. Most of my free time is spent playing World of Warcraft. It may seem like a waste of time sometimes, but I like doing it and it hasn't made me miss work or much sleep, so I'm sticking to it. I still wish I had a good book to read. Currently reading Tad Williams' "Otherland" series...not sure if I'll finish it. Kinda weird.
May. 2nd, 2007 @ 09:44 pm
Sweet Kitty
Current Music: Swing Life Away, by Rise Against
Yesterday I saw the word HOPE and it made me want to cry. I can't explain why. Emotions are so weird. Sometimes I think my PTSD is acting up again, but then I wonder if maybe it's just ME. Work is going ok. I'm trying to balance how much I want to work with how much I need to work. I can't say I'm happy doing what I'm doing, but I'm grateful for this job. Taking people's money every night and hearing them blame me every time is starting to wear me out. I find myself losing my patience with the customers...it shows in little ways. I'm so very excited about the trip to Yosemite with Erik that's coming up this month. This is the break I need to refocus and refresh myself. My job really isn't labor-intensive...but it's hard putting up with irritated (sometimes even irate) people all night long with no way to escape or retaliate.

Erik and I are doing fine. Sometimes I think others would see our lives as BORING!, but I'm quite happy with it. True, we don't get out much, nor do we stay out late on our days off, but I enjoy most of our time together. He may have to change his schedule if he wants a shot at a promotion at work...I do not know how this will affect our relationship, if it will at all.

I'm back on my World of Warcraft kick. This time, I've pulled Erik in with me. I definitely have more fun with him around. I'm glad I bought him a new computer. We can play at the same time and help each other out with quests.

Iago...the light in my life. He's getting older, I can tell. But he still brings me joy when I look at him. And he's still my comic relief.
Apr. 7th, 2007 @ 06:31 pm Steven Abbott is alive and well
Angsty
I'm so relieved that my friend is OK. He's going back to Iraq in two weeks, but at least I know he's still alive. And quite happy. His girlfriend seems cool, understanding, and so friendly. Glad to know his family is doing fine too. I am grateful for the time I got to spend with him. God please keep him safe...may he have the mental strength to endure the rest of his deployment.

I'm so glad March is gone. I think March is the hardest month for me. I always freak out and get depressed. Anniversary Depression, I guess. That's what Jane said it was. And I believe her. I even had a war nightmare last month; woke up and had a mild anxiety attack. It happened on the eve of the Iraq war anniversary. I hate March.

On a good note: I watched Saving Private Ryan the other night...without crying once during the entire movie! This is phenomonal. It makes me feel like I'm back to normal...that I'll be ok from here on out. There are little things that'll still make me cry (like listening to the families of deployed soldiers), but I feel confident now about handling the bigger stuff. I'm almost home.

I miss Seth's company. I wish he lived closer.

I just bought Erik a new computer. I feel good about it. I like being his Sugar Momma. He deserves it. He's played a key part in helping me regain my lust for life, my ability to care for others, and my sanitiy. He showed me what I showed to Jack: that I'm still wanted and liked. Because of him, I'm almost home.
Mar. 20th, 2007 @ 12:43 pm Survey
Smoking!
Taken from quilombo

1. Can you cook?
I messed up macaroni out of the box...twice.

2. What was your dream growing up?
Becoming a writer, or someone famous.

3. What talent do you wish you had?
Singing. Maybe acting.

4. Favorite place?
Next to Iago! :)

5. Favorite vegetable?
Potatoes!

6. What was the last book you read?
Nothing great...I think a Patricia Cornwell novel.

7. What zodiac sign are you?
Year of the COCK, baby! Also, Libra (on the Virgo cusp)

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
Piercings: One hole in each ear. I'm pretty boring.

9. Worst Habit?
Mmm, I can be pretty judgemental sometimes. I guess that's more of a trait.

10. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
Yep.

11. What is your favorite sport?
The X-rated kind.

12. Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
Mixed. Probably a little more negative only because I've lost my ability to trust others.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Have a long conversation with you about life, the universe, and everything.

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Afghanistan...or my herniated disk.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you.
I miss playing D&D.

16. Do you have any pets?
The light in my life, Iago. (He's fat AND big-boned!)

17. Do you know how to do the Macarena?
No.

18. What time is it where you are now?
Afternoon (way past my bedtime)

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
Why the hell would a clown be cute?

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
My belly!

21. Would you be my partner in crime or my conscience?
Depends on my mood that day. Hehe

22. What color eyes do you have?
Brown, almost black.

23. Ever been arrested?
Nope! Told you I was boring.

24. Bottle or Draft?
Neither. Beer is for sissy. Bring on the hard liquor!

25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
Vacation in Europe or Hawaii.

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
Eclipse winterfresh

27. What's your favorite bar to hang at?
Again, I'm boring...I don't have a favorite bar. I have favorite people I like to hang with though.

28. Do you believe in ghosts?
I wish I didn't.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Listen to music. Play with my cat.

30. Do you swear a lot?
Yeah.

31. Biggest pet peeve?
Drivers who don't signal when they should.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Trying

33. In one word, how would you describe me?
Creative

34. Will you repost this?
Duh.
Mar. 5th, 2007 @ 07:07 am
Angsty
Current Mood: sad
I strained a muscle in my back. It hurts every time I turn my body, or lift my hands up, or laugh/cough hard. It hurts especially when I flex/tighten my back. Argh. I also had to cancel my trip to Yosemite. Iago isn't feeling very good, and I don't want to leave him for a few days. He needs me. So the nice romantic (but probably cold) weekend Erik and I had planned for our 2nd anniversary has been postponed. But I guess it was all for the best.

I've been feeling down lately. Haven't picked up a new book yet...which sorta bothers me. I'm always reading, even if I have to reread a good book--I don't mind. But these last few weeks have been book-free...Can't get excited about reading anything, and that worries me. I feel depressed, but I'm not sure why or what about. Erik is working on quitting smoking. It makes me feel sad when he gives in and has a smoke. It saddens me more that he couldn't go more than 4 days without one.

I hate dependency.

I miss talking to Dru. I wonder how he's doing...

Work's going pretty well. I feel positive about it. I like the money I'm making. I know I take pride in my work and it shows.

I miss Aaron. If he was still here, I'd ask him to go to the My Chemical Romance/Rise Against concert with me. No one else seems to want to. I really wanted to go too. Another time, perhaps. Another life, maybe.

I like The Shins. Their music soothes me. And makes me feel a bit cheerful. And always will remind me of Garden State. Love that movie.
Feb. 25th, 2007 @ 04:41 pm A Special Trip to Vegas
Angsty
Current Location: Seth's bitchin' computer room
Current Mood: content
It was almost like a moment of clarity. I experienced feelings I thought were long gone. It gave me a more truthful look at all the relationships in my life.

I've never experienced Vegas like this before.
Buying drinks for a local band playing at an Irish pub. They were already drunk--big surprise. But they played really well in that state. Must be pretty normal for them.
Having a Mexican restaurant that's open (not just drive thru) in the wee hours of the morning. Carrrrrrrrrrrne asada.
Meeting Flogging Molly, and then seeing them in concert.
Getting along with not just one, but two females for three days. I actually like them.
And being in Vegas without Erik. And without gambling. Unless you count gambling with our lives by getting in a car with Seth at the wheel.

I really enjoyed myself. Really had a good time with people other than my family and Erik (and Iago.) It almost felt like the connection I had way back in AIT with Patrick and Jesse. Strange times.

Flogging Molly was GREAT. I was probably the only Asian there--thanks for noticing Sarah :)--but what can I say? Told you I was white-washed. And for some reason, the vodka in all my drinks tasted exceptionally smooth. And not just at the concert, during my entire trip! And I have a new drink. Not my favorite, but still quite good: Vodka and tonic with a twist of lime.

So, is this what it's like to have friends? Is this what friends do? I nearly forgot how. I feel...good about this. And the interesting tibit about all the people I've been hanging out with this weekend? We're all in (or were in) the Army. We all shudder at the mention of sand, tents, and camels. One of the few things the Army is good for: bringing people together.

Anyhow, it is Sunday evening. My flight back to San Diego leaves tonight. I am eager to get back to Erik and Iago. I miss them terribly. But I can't wait to see these neat people again. Seth especially. I think he's another version of Patrick. Didn't think I'd find another. Hoping to join him in his kayaking trip this summer. Sounds just like an adventure I need. Hopefully, Erik will be able to join me this time.

A side note: This trip made me realize my love for music and writing again. Two very important components in my life. Need to attend a concert at least once every few months. I thrive on live music.
Feb. 7th, 2007 @ 08:50 am Tag, You're It!
Smoking!
Tagged by pilias_simber (Sorry it took so long to repost...)

Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

Heres my list:

1. Can't stand roller coasters...they make me sick. (Probably will never enter a Six Flags.)

2. When I'm agitated, I'll gnaw on my fingernails and/or my lips.

3. I love to watch other people play a role-playing video game; more so than playing it myself.

4. Sometimes I'll freak myself out by thinking of how/when Iago will die, and thinking about how I'll react to it. It happens at least twice a month.

5. I get a "Get Fuzzy" desk calendar every year...Bucky reminds me of my sweet kitty.

6. For me to fall asleep, I must have a blanket over me (or partially covering me), no matter how hot it is.

7. I actually do enjoy cold or cool showers.

8. Dull pencils bring me down. I love looking at sharpened pencils.

9. I think the stuff that oozes out of pimples is gross, but also very neat.

10. Driving to and from work is my "me me" time...I usually sing along with the radio or just reflect on stuff. I feel wierd and uncomfortable when I'm asked to drive someone to/from work.

I tag quilombo, thebatsaysboo, scai, xcthedreamingcx, jaqx and nereseda.
Jan. 7th, 2007 @ 12:56 am 2007
Angsty
Things are pretty much the same here. Working full time at the same place, doing the same job, and loving it. Got nearly all my debts paid off. *SO Happy* Been watching Scrubs and Six Feet Under. Those are great shows. Haven't really been gaming or reading...so I guess I'm kinda in a funk. If I'm not doing either of those things, that usually means I'm depressed. But I don't feel down. I just haven't found a new author to try out yet. I'm so bored!!!!

Iago is doing fine. He's lost considerable amount of weight on this diet of his. I'm very glad. He's so wonderful and affectionate. I never tire of talking about him or petting him. He's the light in my life.

Christmas was nice. Got to visit family. LOVED all my gifts.

Would love to write more, but I got to get ready for work. UGH. Will update in the next 6 months or so, I promise!